


Would It Matter?

by King_Of_Trash



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Depressed Oikawa Tooru, Depression, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Loneliness, M/M, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Separation Anxiety, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, The rape does not go in detail to those who are sensitive about that, mostly thoughts, self conflict
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-25
Updated: 2017-07-26
Packaged: 2018-11-04 16:56:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,698
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10995066
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/King_Of_Trash/pseuds/King_Of_Trash
Summary: Imagine a life where you never existed. Is it any different? Are the people who loved you still happy without you? What about all the pain your existence caused? Your parents? Your siblings? How many things would change? A lot? Or maybe nothing at all?





	1. Would It Matter?

**Author's Note:**

> So, this will likely have only four chapters unless I decide to add any others. Also, I probably won't update it much, but we'll see.  
> Hey guys! Yes, this is very short with a very short chapter. It was kind of meant to be that way. Anyways, I decided to give you all more angst and on a much more real and touchy subject.  
> If I'm completely honest, I've been struggling a bit emotionally with things and when I'm struggling emotionally with things, I write about characters struggling emotionally.  
> I hope you guys enjoy, if you can say that when on this topic. Thank you, all!

Imagine a life where you never existed. Is it any different? Are the people who loved you still happy without you? What about all the pain your existence caused? Your parents? Your siblings? How many things would change? A lot? Or maybe nothing at all?

Oikawa thought about this constantly. However, he was never able to come to an official conclusion. He would constantly contemplate the idea is suicide, but would that solve anything?

No. However, if it did not solve anything, what would it cause? Perhaps nothing. Everybody would move on and forget he ever existed. That was just how humans worked, right? You lived, you died, and nothing became of your existence. There were only few who became well known and stayed well known. However, that was only if you became famous, or did something that could change humans’ lives forever.

You did not even have to be a good person to be remembered. All you had to do was do something extraordinary. That was, however, not easy to achieve when you had little power over anything.

Oikawa was insignificant in his bizarre and devastated mind. He chose a different college than his friends from high school. In fact, he rarely saw them anymore. Not even Iwaizumi spoke with him very much now, and that scared him. He was unsure why he chose a different school. Perhaps it was to be alone, or to distance himself because he knew he was getting worse, or even, to prove his theory that the others could move on without him.

If nobody bothered to remember you, if you meant nothing to them or this world, then what is the point of living? He allowed others to push him around despite very few ‘friends’ being aware of it. He maybe an ass to certain people, and he may appear as some type of womanizer, but in truth, he was not at all what one may think by simply looking at him.

The truth was he was soft. He fell in love easily which managed to get him into many relationship problems with many different girls. When he was asked out, he was normally unsure, but said "yes" anyways. Over time, he would fall in love with her, and she would fall less in love with him due to his interests, such as volleyball. Then, she would break up with him and he would be left wondering what he did. The cycle would start up again just a couple of days later. Many of his exes would say he's insensitive, but sometimes Oikawa wondered if he was in fact too sensitive.

It was then that he started distancing himself from girls. It took junior high, and high school for him to finally give up on a relationship all together. Years of being told he was loved, only for that very person to backstab him. It hurt. He was never good enough. Never would he ever be good enough. For others, and for himself.

He had always suffered from anxiety in some fashion, although he believed only Iwaizumi knew of it. When he viewed himself as not being good enough, he would enter a panic. In many panic attacks he would practice volleyball to simply prove to himself that he always had the sport. However, in others' he would hyperventilate.

Since he injured his knee, and had to give up on volleyball entirely, Oikawa had nothing. Iwaizumi was not there for him anymore, although that was his own fault, he had no one to talk to. He had no one to support him. And he wondered if that was a bad thing, or in reality a good thing.

If he killed himself, Would It Matter At All?

He wondered that as he tried and tried to pick up volleyball once again despite the doctor's warnings not to. He wondered that when he chose a different college as Iwaizumi, Hanamaki, and Matsukawa. He wondered that when he was forced to give up on everything he had been aiming for all his life, his dream to excel in volleyball. He wondered that when he was constantly taunted by his roommate who took a strange random dislike towards him. And lastly, he wondered that every time he took a blade to his once smooth skin.

Now his skin was ruined, sliced by his own hands. All the blood, all the physical pain, the mess he had to clean before his roommate found out, was it even worth it? Was it worth those few minutes when his brain would become distracted by the unbearable physical pain rather than all his past failures?

Yes, he would tell himself. It was worth it. It was worth every moment of the pain. His thighs were ruined, and light, scarcely notable traces of a blade could be found on his stomach. However, never cut too deep.

But what if he did? What if he accidentally did? What if he purposely did? Killing himself over such pointless reasons, loneliness and failures. It was pathetic. He was pathetic. Oikawa was pathetic.

Well, that was all it was for a time. However, one certain night decided to add another reason to his list.

Sexual assault. He did not see it coming, he took it as a drunken joke at first. Unfortunately, it was anything but a joke on Oikawa.

He was only trying to sleep when his roommate and his roommate's friends decided to wake him up. His roommate offered him a placement in their friend group, and despite all the red flags that went off, his loneliness won over every other decision he could have made.

Then, they pinned him down and succeeded to assault him physically and sexually. He was tied down, beaten, scratched, bit, burned, and they still continued with their corrupt torture on his pathetic, already injured body. He was mocked for the self harm wounds when they found them, and many of the wounds were reopened by them. By the time they were done, Oikawa was no more than an exhausted bleeding mess.

Going to the police would have been the right idea, but he was threatened by them. He was threatened constantly that they would do it again if he said anything. His body ached for the next few days, but he forced himself to go to the college each and everyday. He could not bear staying in that room all day, he would rather be at school.

And then a week later, it happened again. He was beaten and raped at least once a week afterwards. He had no way to escape it he felt, no way to ever get his life back again.

Most adults, young and old look back at their high school years and cringe at the thought of even possibly going back. All the struggles, all the hatred. However, if Oikawa could go back in time to high school again, he would.

Salt water continued to make its way between his lips and into his mouth as he cried. It was, of course, his tears. His tears were everywhere as he shakily picked up the blade he had used on himself countless times before. He stared at it with blurry eyes.

Would It Matter? That was something he always wondered about himself. Would It Matter if he killed himself? Would anybody care? Would anyone even miss him? All he was was an object now. A sex object. If he could destroy everyone's thoughts who had ever seen him as such a thing, he would do whatever it took to do so. However, Oikawa did not have much of a choice, did he?

It was either to live this continuous, torturous life, or it was to die. And he chose the second option.


	2. It Hurts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Which is worse? Suffering or having to watch the person suffer without being able to stop them? Iwaizumi picked the latter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It is one in the morning and I am feeling depressed, yet inspired. You know what that means! More angst! Yay!   
> I have not really updated much in a while and I apologize about that. My brain has been fried and my anxiety and depression has been higher than usual for some reason and it can either inspire me to write or prevent me from writing.   
> Anyways! I hope you enjoy Iwaizumi's side!

What happened? Who the hell drove him to this? Did he cause this? Where did he go wrong? What the fuck happened and why did he feel so helpless? Were there any simple answers to this situation? 

He wanted to fix this. He wanted to help. But what could he do? Yell at him? Would that solve anything? Did yelling even help someone who was suicidal, or did their depression become worse? He has no idea how this works, what he could do to help when he wakes up. 

_ If _ he wakes up. 

Iwaizumi sat in a chair at the side of the bed. His teething tearing away at his already chapped lips as he stared at the brunette who laid asleep in the hospital bed. The brunette looked awful. There were bags under his eyes, his skin seemed to be paler than usual, black and blue bruises and scars covered his legs and wrists. What the hell happened to him? Did he do this to himself? The single thought of that made Iwaizumi angry, but he did not dare get up and burst now.

Thankfully, Hanamaki and Matsukawa were on their way. That way he was not in the room alone with the brunette for much longer, because if he was he was almost positive that he would kill him for making him feel this way.

Oikawa had always been a dumbass, always a bit selfish, but this was too far, too far for even Oikawa to decide on his own. Somebody pushed him to this, and they were in for a shit storm when Iwaizumi found out who the hell it was. 

Yet, was there a possibility that it was him? He did leave Oikawa after all. He  _ knew  _ how anxious the college student could get, he knew about the  suicidal thoughts in the past. And yet, Iwaizumi allowed him to go off on his own. A beautiful young man out on his own. Anything could have happened. Verbal abuse, physical abuse, emotional abuse, even sexual abuse.., and he left Oikawa to fend for himself in a cruel world. 

Iwaizumi knew it was not his job to protect Oikawa, especially not when he was a grown adult now. However, it certainly felt that way. And now he failed his job. Something he promised himself he would do since they were kids. 

It was back when they were kids, back when Oikawa was picked on for dressing in feminine clothes. Iwaizumi remembered it was specifically because of his older sister who enjoyed dressing Oikawa up, but he was constantly made fun of for it. It was when he found the small brunette crying that he decided he would protect him from bullies, and since then he did. Until now.

His body was trembling from so many emotions mixing together. He could taste blood from his chapped lips, but he could honestly not care any less about it. He abandoned Oikawa, he let this happened. If he had reached out to him, if only he did something,  _ anything _ . 

Iwaizumi could not imagine what could have driven Oikawa to this state. Oikawa may have been weakened from his past of bullying, but he was not stupid. The brunette was most certainly an emotional and dramatic type of guy, but for him to do something so drastic like this was completely out of character for him. 

Oikawa often put on a confident and flirty exterior, and it was hard to break through it and get to know Oikawa for who he really was. He was depressed, easy to break, even the slightest of hurtful words or actions done could upset him. However, he hid it so damn well. 

Yet, Iwaizumi could always see through it after all those years of being together. So how did he not see it this time? 

Did someone say something? Did someone do something? Maybe it was a mix of both? Why did Oikawa let it affect him so much? Was Oikawa mentally weaker than Iwaizumi had originally judged? Or was it that whatever happened to him turned out to be so awful and so unbearable that he could not handle it anymore? 

Hold on, what was this? 

Iwaizumi raised his hand up to his face. It was wet, soaked with salt water. Was he crying? 

He instantly stood up from his chair and bit down hard on his lip. He had no idea what had come upon him, but he was so angry. So so angry. He needed to hit something, hit  _ him _ . 

Iwaizumi had only stopped himself midway through his swing at the sleeping male. No, no no no. He could not hurt him. Why the hell would he hurt him? He was already covered in bruises, and they were not ones Iwaizumi had caused. 

The darker haired male took a step back and allowed himself fall back into his seat. He looked over Oikawa one more time, one of his darkened arms peeking through the sheets. He already looked fucking dead and it made him want to die as well.

In fact, now that Iwaizumi thought about, Oikawa did not bruise easily. So what the hell did he do to himself to cause so many dark bruises? 

Maybe he was asking the wrong question. Maybe it was not Oikawa who inflicted all of those wounds upon himself. 

_ So who did? _

Another wave of rage rushed over Iwaizumi, but he resisted the urge to do anything else violent. Who could do this? Who could hurt someone like Oikawa Tooru? Iwaizumi understood that Oikawa was not the easiest to get along with, but he did not deserve all of the verbal abuse he received. 

But Iwaizumi promised himself that if he found out anyone,  _ anyone _ , hurt Oikawa, he would see that they receive a punishment he saw fit. 

Blaming himself made no difference to the situation, if Oikawa died then he would never know how badly Iwaizumi had been affected by it. Yet.., how could he not blame himself? Someone close to you attempted suicide and you were not there? All because of your different tastes in schools? Iwaizumi should have been there, should have at least tried to keep some type of contact with the brunette. Anything would have been better than the nothing he gave his former best friend. 

He brought his hand to his face and covered his eyes. He was beginning to cry even more and more, wallowing in his own damn self pity. But how could he help it? Oikawa was going to die and it was  _ his  _ damn fault.  _ He _ broke his promise. 

Did Oikawa even consider him though? Did Oikawa ever think about how he or any of the others would be affected by his death? All his old teammates? All his old friends? His own damn family? Did he ever think it through? Iwaizumi doubted it, but he knew that Oikawa had the tendency to think he was less than what he actually was. 

In fact, sometimes Oikawa would vent to him in the past. He would vent to his best friend all about how little he meant to the world, how he was never going to be good enough, how there was always going to be someone one step ahead of him, and how it was pointless for him to continue living. Iwaizumi had always managed to snap him out of it by reminding Oikawa of how traumatized his young nephew would be if he killed himself, or how his teammates would never be able to make it without him. 

Iwaizumi never once realized until now that if Oikawa had to continue on with those same thoughts in his head without Iwaizumi’s interference, suicide would have been the first consideration. Not to mention how Iwaizumi neglected to call him or text him which would have caused Oikawa even more stress, perhaps Oikawa believed Iwaizumi did not care about him anymore. 

So maybe, in a way, it was Iwaizumi’s fault after all. 

_ “Damn it!” _

He bowed his head, hiding his face with his hands and arms. 

_ “Damn it all!” _

His body began to violently shake, and Iwaizumi began to wonder if this was what it was like for Oikawa when he went through a breakdown or an anxiety attack. 

_ “Damn bastard! Shittykawa!” _

He closed his eyes shut tightly and gritted his teeth. 

_ “Why didn’t you just tell me?” _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Getting personal here, but this chapter was heavily based off of my own experience so sorry if it's out of character. 
> 
> P.S.: Yes, the chapters and story title are all named after songs and I hope to keep it that way for the last two chapters.

**Author's Note:**

> Yes, I know the editing is pretty crappy. I tried my best for it being twelve o'clock at night.  
> Anyways, I hope you enjoyed? I will hopefully continue to write the next few chapters if I'm not too busy. They will also likely be short like this. This little story will be short and sweet.


End file.
